Beverage, tax and gratuity not included . . .

Kevin Gregg didn’t lead the league in blown saves last year on a fluke. It's just a shame he 's intent on defending his title.

Gregg’s earned-run average in the series in Florida was 33-point-something-something. Fun guy. On Sunday, he threw two pitches for two home runs. On Saturday night, he was even more pathetic in blowing a three-run lead. Come by again when you can’t stay as long, OK, fella?

Fact is, there’s no one in the Cubs bullpen you can trust.

Sean Marshall, that’s it. Maybe Angel Guzman, too, but don’t hold me to that.

Carlos Marmol? Jeez, the guy needs a Garmin to find the plate at the start of every appearance, so not only does he need to come in with the bases empty, but the Cubs need to petition Major League Baseball for extra bases.

Aaron Heilman? His save on Saturday was miraculous. They should send the ball to the Hall of Fame because the one thing we’ve learned about the guy is that he can’t pitch with a one-run lead. His head explodes. So do opposing hitters. See Cody Ross in the seventh inning for details.

Jeff Samardzija? The guy had a chance for a cheap win Saturday, but gave up three earned runs on three hits and two walks in an outing that mirrored almost everything he’s done this season. The Cubs should try to trade him to the Bears.

John Grabow? OK, maybe I’d trust this guy, too, only because he hasn’t been around enough to get Cubbed. Same goes for Jeff Stevens, although his last outing showed either the start of falling in line with the rest of the other unreliables or just that he isn’t ready to pitch in consecutive games. (There’s a lot of that going around, right, Kevin?)

Right now, most of the relievers Lou Piniella has to use aren’t relievers you want him to use, but the manager continues to use them, which means he gets some of the blame the way the general manager does, but it’s mostly on the pitchers.

Hang loose, Randy Wells. The Cubs’ best active starter needs to be the Cubs’ best active pitcher tonight, even if it takes 20 innings.

But I think it's important to ask: Is there any way we can blame all this on Milton Bradley?